The Testicle Experience

By now you have read up on my recent experience of dealing with Testicular Torsion, or at least you have heard me mention my "piss bag" quite a bit. 

(If not, you may CLICK HERE for the update)

Well, I'm a new man! Yep, I'm am urinating like a normal human finally. I use the term "normal" very loosely. I had my follow up at the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics and it seems that my "berries", and other parts, are healing well. So, let me tell you what happened, just in case you were curious.

My entry into the Urology Clinic was with great fanfare. They had balloons and finger foods ready and even cake. They weren't for me, but for one of the doctors who was retiring.  But, for the purpose of this story and for my own mental well being, I am pretending they were for me. I was also the youngest person in the entire waiting room.

I checked in and in no more than 5 minutes, I was called back. Typically, at Urology clinics, you have to wait 30 minutes just to be called back, because everyone is well over the age of caring about time. My blood pressure was taken and I was told the Dr. would see me soon. 10 minutes later, he arrived. It was the doctor that saw me in the ER. He smiled and said, "Do you remember me?", to which I replied, "Yes, you were the one that touched my private parts. Do you remember me?" He grinned and an expected eye roll ensued.

Doctor #1: blah blah, we're going to inject dye around the catheter to see if every thing is ok.  Blah Blah, then we'll HOPEFULLY remove the catheter.

Me: Don't break it!

Doctor #1: (Eye roll and exit stage left.)

While waiting, for what seemed like an hour, but was only 15 minutes, I had some time to reflect on my predicament. That sucked. No more thinking for me.

Doctor #2, the surgeon, or as I called him in my last post "Dr. Wang", stopped by to say hi. That was nice, since he was just about to yank on my member and shoot liquid into it with a needle. He smiled an evil grin and went on his merry way to inflict pain on his next victim.

The nurse finally came and got me. She showed me to the "We're going to hurt you in the most sensitive of places" suite and told me to "get naked and lay on the table. Here's a wash rag to cover up with if you feel the need to."  She gave me 7.34 seconds to do that before she re-entered the room and asked if I was ready. "Nope, but I guess that doesn't matter."

The table I had to lay on was under a HUGE x-ray machine and reminded me of a table you see on TV when they are conducting autopsies. I was on a meat table. Thanks for the comfort "Dick Doctors"!

So, here I lay, naked on a meat table, under an x-ray machine....ALONE! I closed my eyes and thought of what it was like to be on a beach somewhere. Warm air caressing my nether regions. It didn't work. It was cold as Canada in there and that did nothing for my manhood. NOTHING!

25 minutes later the nurse reappeared. This time followed by 3 doctors. THREE! "Dr. Wang", ER Doc and some slick haired young dude. "Dr. Wang" ripped off the wash cloth they gave me to cover my junk and said, "let's try to get that catheter out today." DUH! TRY? Just do it man! Then I saw the instrument they were going to use to conduct the prior explained procedure. BIG FLIMSY NEEDLE LOOKING THING! I flinched a bit and "Dr. Wang" tried to tell me that I will forget about all of this some day. Speak for yourself man, I will NEVER forget ANY of this.

I was rolled onto my side, and without any respect for my pain threshold or my comfort, they inserted the needle thing and said, "you may feel some pressure", which was followed by the most excruciating pain I've felt in some time. I yelped and "Dr. Wang" responded with, in a sarcastic voice, "that was just the lubrication". AWESOME! Then the dye followed. Imagine you have a broomstick shoved into a garden hose. Now, imagine trying to force water into the garden hose, AROUND THE BROOMSTICK! Now, stop wincing because that happened to ME AND NOT YOU!

Oh, yeah, and I was then introduced to the slick haired young dude. We'll call him "Ben", because that was his name. He was a med student. I was not in a great place, but I did fight back with, "Nice to meet you Ben. That's what I nicknamed my penis." He didn't laugh, but I did.

Everything seemed to be healing well, so the doctors left after "Dr. Wang" exclaimed how forgiving the scrotum is, with more excitement than anyone I have ever known. He really seems to enjoy being around penises and scrotums.

Now, I remind you that I still have a catheter in. The nurse drained some saline into my bladder through the catheter, so I could prove that I could pee like a man, then said, "Take a deep breath, now let it out."  Then she proceeded to YANK OUT THE CATHETER with such force that with my screams, I scared every hard-of-hearing patient in a 5 mile radius. No apologies. Nothing. Not even a small warning. But, it was over. It was out.

She asked me to then urinate into a  large beaker to make sure I had a good "stream", then I could exit. I did just that, dressed myself and grabbed the beaker to exit. I walked down the hall, looking for the nurse to hand her my beaker of piss. Another nurse asked what I was doing. I replied "I was told to urinate in this thing and then exit. Where do you want this?" She gave me a look that made me realize that I was supposed to leave it in the room and said "Probably where you came from." I thought to myself, "Jeez, Waterloo is a long way away",  but didn't say that. Red faced and looking at my shoes, I made a u-turn and left the beaker full of urine in the room.

My experience was done. My catheter is out and I felt like a new man. I bounded back out into the waiting room and declared myself "Master of the Urine Stream" and bolted for the nearest watering hole. I fought the urge to tell everyone I came close to for the next 3 hours that I can pee like a man. If you don't know me, being able to hold back my comments is something of a miracle.

None of this could have been avoided. Well, maybe the severity of the ordeal, but for the most part, this was going to happen to me. I urge EVERY man to PLEASE pay attention to your stuff. If you feel the least bit uncomfortable down there, or something "just doesn't feel right", get it checked. Tell every man you know. Just don't do it in the gym shower.

(This is my overnight "piss bag" with just a bit of urine in it. You're welcome)