The 8 Biggest Food Ripoffs According to Cory

Ok, well it's not according to Cory, he hasn't had an original thought for decades. The comments are Cory's, but the 8 biggest food ripoffs comes from Deadspin Funbag and Drew Magary

Frozen yogurt with organic cherries on top, anyone? In this week’s Deadspin Funbag, columnist Drew Magary is asked to rank the biggest food ripoffs. Following is his list in reply, along with some choice commentary:

Frozen yogurt: They let you serve yourself because they KNOW kids will pull the lever and hold it there for nine years, racking up eighty pounds of yogurt in their mini-bucket. It’s insidious. And then I tell the kids it’s too much yogurt, and then I spoon some into my other kid’s bucket, and then he yells at me because he wanted to pull the lever himself, and then I say, “WELL THEN NO ONE GETS YOGURT,” and then we all drive home angry. Fun outing.

Beef jerky: Average pack of Jack Link’s costs $6 and weighs half a micro-ounce. For five bucks, I want a full deer hung and dried and vacuum-sealed for my snacking pleasure. Anything less is a con.

Lobster: Did you know prisoners in Maine used to eat lobster because lobsters are so common? Did you know that Mainers will tell you this factoid once every four minutes? Lobster should cost a dollar a pound, but the MAINE LOBSTER CARTEL controls that stuff like blood diamonds, jacking up the price and tricking you into believing that lobster is a special occasion food when, in reality, it should match the cost of scrod.

Cherries: When the Rainier cherries come in, the grocery throws up a sale sign on them even though the reduced price is still $7 a pound. And I still fall for it. I’m still like, “OOH! White cherries! They won’t be around much longer!” I’m the world’s most gullible shopper. If you tell me that Honey Nut Cheerios will only be in season for three weeks, I’ll rush to buy eight boxes.

Steak: Even the cheap cuts are expensive now because every artisanal restaurant serves their own fancy take on obscure cuts. You used to be able to buy cow foreskin for nothing at all. Now that’s one of the most desired cuts. If you want brisket, they only sell it in 10-pound blocks for $85 at the store. I don’t need that much brisket. I’m not running a food truck.

Almonds: Especially the marcona almonds, which are the fancy almonds that come swimming in grease and salt. I like to serve them and then cry out “THEY’RE FROM SPAIN!” so that party guests are properly awed.

Metamucil: It’s over ten bucks a can! That’s a lot of money to control my farts.

Anything in the organic aisle: I saw a bag of kale chips in that aisle once that cost six dollars. For dried kale. What the f**k, man.