Everyone and their grandmother, 2nd cousin and secret girlfriend are sooooo excited about the total solar eclipse. Finally something to be excited about besides payday. I'm determined to stay away. Not because I think it's ridiculous, because I do think it's cool, but because everyone else is doing it, so I don't want to. Or as my girlfriend calls it, DEFIANCE. So, here are 5 things to do besides watch the eclipse.

  1. Take a 2 hour nap: No one will be looking at work anyway. They will all be outside wasting company time, so why shouldn't you AND you're totally benefiting by being refreshed while all the newly blind people wander their way back to work. You win!
  2. Not Go Blind: Just because the moon is in between the sun and earth, doesn't mean the sun stops working. According to people with more common sense than most, you'll still go blind if you stare at the eclipse today. Especially for the 2 hours we'll have it in our view. You'll also go blind for other reasons according to Sister Joyce from my grade school years.
  3. Get a Promotion: While everyone is making excuses to the boss so they can witness the eclipse, you could be busting your hump in the office, showing the boss that you're all about the 'synergy' and 'team building' and 'focus'. You could get someone else's work done and then blame that lazy ass for looking at the sun.
  4. Learn Braille: This will definitely come in handy from now on. I'll go out on a limb and say that 15% of the people who look at the eclipse will do it sans protection. They will go blind and have to learn braille. If you know it, then you can mess with them later on.
  5. Whatever You Want: That's right, whatever the Hell you want, since no one will be looking anyway. Get your grocery shopping done. Do laundry. Groom your sexy parts in the sink in the work bathroom. The choices are limitless!!!!!

So, if you're looking forward to this celestial event, good for you and all the power to you. I hope it's all that you want it to be. For the rest of us, see you at the bar. The boss isn't looking anyway, so let's have a beer.